Dead Dad Dictum

  When I was 16 or 17, I had my first psychotic episode. I cut my arms up, went to a friends house and told him and his mum. His mum called my folks, who came and got me. All I remember is my dad telling me I was very selfish.  Fast forward a few years and I was at home by myself looking after the babies. They were asleep and the missus was at yoga or something. I was listening to this Joy Division track and something snapped in my head. I cut myself up and tried to hang myself, but the missus came home and saved me.  I went to work the next day, as if nothing had happened, my arms covered by a work shirt. I sometimes wonder how things would’ve panned out if I’d gone to the hospital that night, got the help I needed then instead of waiting until everything fell apart.  The past is another country, they do things differently there. But when I think about everything I’ve lost, I think about how, maybe, I could’ve done things differently. I realised I was not cut out to be a family man. I

"He used to be a character, now he's real." That's what my friend K said about Nick Cave when I told her I'd developed an obsession with him and his more recent work. (As an aside, it was the affair I was having with K, along with my cocaine use and ongoing mental health issues that contributed to the end of my marriage).  But Nick represents something very spiritual to me. When I listen to his music, like the one linked above, I feel a sense of transcendence, an overarching love and acceptance for the broad cloth that is humanity. It transports me; he is a modern-day preacher, bringing his tribe together for a glimpse of a higher truth. 

 As a teen, I never felt I was able to express myself or who I truly was. I was in a stifling religious environment and the only ropes I had to hold onto sanity were eliminator jr and my good friend Justine, both of whom are still part of my life.  But it was when I had kids of my own I realised I needed to think about what sort of a parent I wanted to be, and I knew straight away I didn't want my kids brought up with the same hangups and sense of shame I was. As they got older, I solidified what I thought, and it basically comes down to a couple of things: * I will respect your physical and mental autonomy * I will offer you advice and perspective based on my experiences, and you are free to take that advice and perspective as you see fit * You will make mistakes. The mark of someone who is moving towards being a rounded human is learning from those mistakes * I will adopt a policy of radical transparency with you. I will tell you about what I do, what my vices are and what I get